Minecraft:James Nouch's series
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Beginning in 2024, a series of Deep Dives articles on Minecraft:Minecraft.net was published, written by and starring Minecraft:James Nouch. Although farcical in nature, they told a continous story, beginning with a promotion for the Minecraft:add-on FARMING.<ref name=farmerlife>Template:Mcnet</ref>
A farmer's life for me
Template:Infobox book Feeling displeased with life in the city and wishing to "escape the rat race," James Nouch takes initiative to spend time in the countryside. Exchanging a T-shirt and backpack for country equivalents, he decides to take up the role of a farmer, settling on harvesting Minecraft:cows. Upon beginning the mission, he discovers a Minecraft:village, choosing to steal the cattle from there. After waiting for night to come, he tries luring the cows with Minecraft:wheat, before trapping them in a pen.
Having now acquired several cows, the author boasts that it's three times the size as a Minecraft:villager's pen, dubbing it "Cowtopia Deluxe." However, he quickly realizes just having cows isn't enough, and starts harvesting Minecraft:crops as well. Cowtopia Deluxe is expanded with a small trench, becoming a farm, before the author decides to expand again by stealing more cows, four Minecraft:sheep, and two Minecraft:pigs. Satisfied with the livestock, he decides to slaughter them with a Minecraft:sword.
Unsatisfied with the outcome of the animal slaughter, the author decides to check the Minecraft:Marketplace, and returns with a collection of new animals, ranging from bison, deer, geese, yak, quails, and peacocks. He sees great promise in farming these new animals, giving them all new pens. However, the latter two prove far too obnoxious to keep around, so he pivots to farming new crops, including blueberry bushes, cauliflower, ginger, oats, and kohlrabi. Fearing for the kohlrabi seeds, he decides to install several scarecrows, considering them a necessary evil.
Having now amassed a successful farm, the cows now bred back to previous population. Feeling content, he holds a "sombre memorial ceremony honoring the earliest residents of Cowtopia Deluxe." Hearing cows moo, he decides to steal Minecraft:potatoes.<ref name=farmerlife/>
Characters
Running a restaurant
Template:Infobox book Following the events of the previous story, the author reflects on the troubles with farming, resenting the lack of verbal approval from his victims. He decides to retire from farming and run a restaurant, constructing one made of Minecraft:glass and acacia on a Minecraft:village's "ancient and beloved forest." The author begins to fantasize about the potential praise from villagers and food critics alike, before explaining the architecture. There are windows installed on every side for atmosphere, which proves difficult for installing a kitchen, investing in several Minecraft:furnaces and Minecraft:smokers. He then installs a basement, lamenting the darkness, but relents that it's good for hiding shady business practices.
The project almost complete, the author begins to consider potential names, including Feasto Debonair, Mister Velvet, Template:Wikipedia, The House Of All The Hams, Food™, and Credenza. However, due to space limitations he decides to just go with "UG," due to it being eligible for use in the game Template:Wikipedia. UG now open for business, the author is heartbroken to find nobody showed up, save for a lone villager. It is then revealed that the author neglected to actually cook any food, facing great anger and fury for over five minutes before trying to resolve the situation.
Back to the drawing board, he discovers the only food item he has on hand is rotten flesh. He spends a considerable amount of time pondering the ethics of selling it, only to discover the building once again abandoned. The project having failed in just two days, the author begins to reflect again, revealing someone tried to help write a business plan and that he destroyed several houses. He walks away deciding to try another scheme.<ref name=runningarestaurant>Template:Mcnet</ref>
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A fish out of water
Template:Infobox book Following accusations of cattle theft and criticism from food eaters, James Nouch sinks into a deep depression. All that changes when he discovers Minecraft:fishing, and appears to assume it's a new invention. Crafting a Minecraft:fishing rod, he decides to pick up fishing to raise funds and supplies for his restaurant, UG He begins fishing, pulling out a Minecraft:bone, then a Minecraft:saddle, neither edible.
The solution he comes to is that he must travel to an opportune location for fishing. Putting the taiga behind, he travels across Minecraft:snowy peaks, Minecraft:desert plateaus, and Minecraft:cherry groves. Finally, he is able to fish a Minecraft:cod, before getting into a streak. Satisfied with the haul, he returns to the village, eliciting little acclaim. Undettered, the author begins constructing an aquarium.
The plan is to build it in the shape of UG, with added aquatic features such as Minecraft:sea lanterns and Minecraft:sea pickles. Accidentally flooding the village, the author continues construction, but runs out of supplies. He returns to the Minecraft:sea with a bucket. Now possessing Minecraft:salmon, Minecraft:pufferfish, and Minecraft:tropical fish, the author repeats the series of events from before, continuing construction and feeling petty at a lack of respect.
Now possessing a full aquarium, the author seems content, and prepares to cook the fish. However, he runs into a Minecraft:spider, before returning to a Minecraft:boat.<ref name=afishoutofwater>Template:Mcnet</ref>
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Unsung Hero
Template:Infobox book After several conflicts with villagers, the author finally begins to sympathize with them, reflecting on crimes such as destroying their forest to build UG. As a result of this continued arrogance and harassment, he has been declared the least popular person in the village, a situation he intends to resolve. To do this, he elects to become a superhero, establishing a base of operations on a Minecraft:mountain.
He looks out a window, pointing to a Minecraft:beacon installed in the taiga. Several other areas of the HQ are discussed, including a viewing platform, a hidden entrance at the peak, a helipad, and a Minecraft:lava pit. Construction complete, all that's left is to retrieve supplies, such as a pair of Minecraft:elytra. The first patrol begins at dusk, finding little criminal activity or monster sightings. Finding the lack of a problem a problem, the author conceives of a loudspeaker in the center of town, but lacks the resources to build one. Instead, he decides to peek into homes to make sure everyone is safe.
Suddenly, James hears a noise, preparing for the worst. It turns out to be a Minecraft:skeleton, who shoots and shoots at the author while he tries a self defense spin maneuver. Feeling great fear and pity, the author begs to be left alone, before somehow managing to defeat the skeleton. As a creeper emerges, he decides to flee back to UG, butting heads with an Minecraft:enderman. <ref name=unsunghero>Template:Mcnet</ref>
Characters
Hotel hero
One day, James Nouch decides to build a hotel, feeling a sense of luxury. Before he can begin the project, however, he decides to work on blueprints, having been deemed a criminal due to previous events. His method of getting around this is to ensure it fits the biome's existing palette, hoping to trick the residents into not knowing he built it. He eyes two villagers staring down a chimney, and decides to base his hotel off of that house.
He identifies the style of building with Minecraft:cobblestone and Minecraft:spruce logs, and then notices mossy cobblestone, affirming that they "loooove lichen and they hate well-meaning entrepreneurs who have only ever wanted their respect and friendship". From there he employs the deisgn technique of building a larger version of the common "hovels", with 25 square windows. This proves to block the sunlight in the hotel.
From there construction of rooms go underway, each being designed to fit a certain taste. He proposes a wool room for shepherds, a library for Minecraft:librarians, and a "terrifying room made of 100% meat" for a Minecraft:butcher. His fourth idea is his trump card, dubbed the "moss room", primarily floored with moss blocks with green candles, plentiful cobblestone, and slime block windows. While constructing the room, however, even he finds himself disturbed. He sends a villager to review the room, but they never return. After drinking condensed milk the narrator concludes he's done nothing wrong.<ref name=hotelhero>Template:Mcnet</ref>
Characters
Quotes
"My very own cows, caught in the wild – the wild pens of a village, which is technically located in the wilds. Also, why is that villager staring at me like I'm some kind of thief?
"Fun fact 1: the plural of beef is beeves.
Fun fact 2: I feel really bad about all the cows I've just processed.
"As I lock the doors and snuff out the lights, I ponder the lesson of my latest spectacular failure. Was it foolhardy to think I could build a world-famous restaurant in two days? Was it a mistake to refuse to write a business plan, and to mock the person that suggested it by repeating everything they said in a boring drone-y voice until they sighed and walked away? And was it perhaps wrong to deliberately bulldoze several villager homes during UG's construction phase, even though I could have built on an equally scenic spot just moments away?
No, the real lesson is that I didn't believe in myself enough. It's time to embark on another barnstorming business extravaganza – this time I just _know_ it's going to be a success!
"I stop to fish in the shadow of this handsome structure. I wonder what kind of people built it? I bet they're nice.
"My arrival at the village isn't quite the triumphant return I'd hoped for: no villagers line the shore waiting for me, and no statues have been erected in my honour during my absence. No matter – I decide I'll build my own monument to adventure and the call of the oceans.
"Looking out from my mountaintop base, I can survey the village and its inhabitants. The beacon in the distance is lit because the villagers need me (and because they can't turn it off).
Trivia
- During A fish out of water, a Minecraft:Taking Inventory article is shared.<ref>Template:Mcnet</ref> No matter the language, this link will be for the Portuguese version.
- During Unsung Hero, another article on elytra is shared.<ref>Template:Mcnet</ref>
- During Hotel hero, two installments of Minecraft:Block of the Week are linked.<ref>Template:Mcnet</ref><ref>Template:Mcnet</ref>
Gallery
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A cow being led with the help of some wheat.
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A group of cows behind a large brown fence.
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A scarecrow next to a field of crops, with a large sign behind it.
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The entrance to the restaurant.
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A creeper standing on top of a table.
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A villager inside a glass house.
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A room full of rotten meat.
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A fishing bobber.
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A back view of UG.
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Fishing below an outpost.
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The ultimate aquarium.
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The viewing area of the mountain base.
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The village from above, several azalea trees visible.
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A house invasion.
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The author fleeing from an enderman.
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A taiga house used as inspiration.
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The hotel in the middle of town.
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Zuri inside the hotel.
